Chapter 21

I open the room door and am greeted with: "Where were- oh." That was the doctor. As she saw the schizo nurse. "What were you doing with my patient?"
   "I- she- I-..." the schizo nurse stutters.
   "Because I haven't signed any papers and niether have my guardians, I decided to visit some of the people. After all, I am just a visitor still," I step in.
   "Nance!" the doctor scolds. "Why is my patient able to speak and you aren't?"
   "She has worked wonders for my patients! Just by visiting them. I watched her as she spoke to them. Ones that haven't said anything or don't respond to other people in anyway, they do around her. For theirs and ours sakes, please just have her free to visit that side of the hospital everyday. You have no idea how important it is to them. For us. Please andrea." an... Drea? dray... tea tray... trea... I shake it out of my head.
   "She had no rights to wander around in the first place! She is a patient."
   "Patient? No papers have been signed. And if you keep treating her this way, I will back her in every which way!"
   "A delusioned person? You would help some one who is insane?"
   "Tell me this, Andrea. Would you believe if I said I saw cows today in the hospital?"
   "No... Of course not! They don't let cows in!"
   "And if sally saw them, too?"
   "..." Andrea, the Doctor, is silent.
   "There are. Its called beef-"
   "Why, you- How dare you!"
   "So should I lock you up because you didn't believe me? Or should you lock me up because I knew what I was talking about, but you didn't, and thought I meant a living animal?"
   "Niether!" Dr. Andrea shakes her head. "I don't have time for this nonsense. Your questions have nothing to do with the matters at hand."
   "Yes. They do," Nance says, with wild fire in her eyes, full of life. She understands. She believes. "One of my patients has a major connection to yours. I don't know what it is. But they act as if they know so much more than we do. As though they understand something that we don't. That they've experienced-"
   "That is enough!" Dr. Andrea cuts Nance off. "Not in front of the patient!"
   "I am only your patient as long as let you be my doctor," I say in a threatening tone. "Anything that you have to say about me can be said infront of me. I have a right to know." Nance stays firmly in the room. Dr. Andrea continues walking out.
   "Nance!" Dr. Andrea calls sternly.
   "I know that my patient and yours have never met before," Nance calls out. She is daring herself to get fired! "She had to ask another nurse where he was when he was right in front of her!"
   "Nance..." Dr. Andrea warns with fierceness.

   "I," Nance says. | "Don't," Dr. Andrea retaliates.
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   "Don't" | "Stop."
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   "Think" | "Say it-"
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   "That she" | "then"
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   "Is" | "your"
   ------------------------------------------------------------
   "Crazy." | "Fired."

"Thank you, Nance, but don't get fired over me," I say. "Niether of you are saying anything that I don't already know." They look at eachother, then at me.
   "How is that so?" Dr. Andrea asks.
   "I know you think I'm crazy, I know I look and act and talk crazy. But I also know that I'm not crazy. And I know that my saying that will make me sound even more crazy. And that my knowing what sounds crazy is what makes me not crazy. I also realize that it sounds like I'm talking in cricles right now when, in fact, I am not. I could draw you a diagram of what I mean, if you'd like. And I promise that it'd make perfect sense." The Nurse looks at me in triumph, and the Doctor in confusion. Which means she still thinks I'm crazy. Once a crazy, always a crazy, I suppose. "Forget it. Nothing I can say or do will change your mind, Dr. Andrea." She looks at me in even more surprise. Crazy people don't know when to stop. I do. I must be the most confusing case she has ever had. I mentally shake my head. I do close my eyes from disbeliefe of this whole situation. Dr. Andrea gives a heavy sigh.
   "Fine," she says. "She can come visit your ward." YES! I needed that. I have to be able to speak to Shander. He knows things. I don't know what, but he knows things that I need to know. Like where that portal is. What happened to the vorpol sword and the Jabberwalk. What places he has been to that I haven't. How he met Trea and what he knows about him. What all did Trea tell him about me? My mind lingers on the thought. He called me a woman... I smile, lost in thought. Not a girl at all to him. That's why he was so startled when he saw me... why he didn't want me to go...
And yet I failed him. I feel my eyes begin to squint.
   
Oops. The two are still there. The doctor and the nurse. Andrea and Nance. "I'm sorry." What can I use for an excuse? "PTSD flashback," I say. Sort of true. Too bad I'm the cause of it. "Can I please go to sleep now?"
   "If you give me the hat," Dr. Andrea says.
   "Oh, great. Not this again. Of course not! PTSD is going to really kick in then and cause me to go manic! Trust me, that is the last thing that you want me to do. Ask Robert. He learned first hand. And that was mild because he resisted mildly!"
   "Then I'm afraid that I can't let you sleep."
   "Excuse me?" I ask in shock. "You are a doctor with a psychologist degree... Masters... Ph.D! Goodness, you actually have a DOCTORS degree! You know that lack of sleep causes insanity and hallucinations!"
   "..." I look at her icredulously.
   "You know that, don't you? You didn't think that I knew that."
   "..." Her continued silence makes me more certain that I'm right.
   "You just want to have an solid reason of keeping me here! As soon as you document mania, hallucinations, or anything else, you'll have fake valid reasons on keeping me here! And of course you will 'forget' to mention that you sleep deprived me!"
   "Now, I think you are taking this too far," Dr. Andrea says.
   "Really? Your silence there wasn't very reassuring."
   "You are over-suspicious."
   "Right. I forgot. You'll document that, too, so that you can label me as paranoia-schizophrenic. All the more reason for you to deprive me of sleep. All you need is the hallucinations. Well, I'm not gonna give you that satisfaction." Why am I fighting this so hard? I need to be here for Shander and the portal. And for Nance so I can bring her with. How am I ever going to come back for Koran? How can I come back without the whole Earth going into an uproar?
   "Even if I was, what makes you think that I would let you know?" Swallow my pride. It's not like I'm going to stay here for long. I'm going to go back to Dimmerland. Besides, if I at least act like I have schizophrenia, I'd be in the same ward as Shander. But I might not be allowed the option of running about the building free. There are so many different levels of mental problems. Mine most certainly are minor. Unless I make too big a stink out of everything. Ugh. But not my hat. NO ONE gets my hat unless I can trust them 100%. And I don't trust any one yet except for Shander. And Dr. Andrea will have her eyes on him. Maybe Nance? I don't know. Dr. Andrea might have her eyes on her, too. Especially with Nance putting her job on the line for me. Hate this whole thing, this whole situation. And all I want to do is go to sleep.
   "You know what? Write what you want. But you will never get my hat." She looks at me like it's a challenge. "That's a promise."
   "Then you will tell me more about that hat?"
   "Ha! Like you really deserve to know it after all of your accusations and refusal to discuss anything in front me, trying to keep custody of me when nothing has been signed, being such a horrible listener, and completely unprofessional? My little brother is better than that!" I regret the word 'brother' immediately. Such a stupid thing to say after having made it ever so clear that I don't know his parents, that they are very different. That I am so different. It's like I cracked. How could I? She'd never understand the difference of living eyes versus flat ones. Or the fact that Dr. Andrea's is flat. I act like it was never said. "Give me one really good reason that I should tell you about something so personal and life changing for the better?"
   "How can a hat be personal or life changing?"
   "Goodness, you really don't get it, do you?" She stares at me blankly. Figures. "Do you respect or give your patients any privacy? The right to any secrets?" The look in her flat eyes says it all before she even opens her mouth. "Don't," I cut her off, "Just forget about it. I can tell that you don't." She stands there speechless.
   "'Why is the patient able to speak and you aren't?'" I look to the voice. I've forgotten that Nance is still there. Can I just go to bed? I am so tired.
   "How dare you," the Doctor says. How much more of this insanity can I take? Can that thought get any more ironic? Here I am, supposedly dealing with the models of sanity. And yet... this is completely insane! Dimmerland is less insane than this! I had no idea how crazy Earth is before. what was it... only five days ago?
   "Hey," I say. "Just leave the room. I am sick of this situation. I want to get a momment of SANITY back, if you don't mind!"
   "What are you talking about? You are the insane person here."
   "As was Gulliver? Of course! And yet, you are the one causing argument after argument, insisting on taking something that will, actually, cause me to go insane if I don't have it. A place of insanity is supposed to be a sanctuary protected and governed by sane people. And yet it seems to me that you are causing unnessecary insanity. You are making people sleep deprived if they choose to hang onto their precious possessions instead giving them to you. I'm sorry, this whole thing is giving me a headache. Just go away and give me peace."
   "All you need to do is tell me what it is that it means to you, why it is so important."
   "You just don't get any of it. And you never will. Find me a sentimental person. Maybe, MAYBE they'd be able to explain it to you. But the way you are, I don't think that you'd ever be able to understand it."
   "I'm not leaving untill you either explain it to me or give the hat to me."
   "I'll die before that happens," I spit with venom. Well, that part at least makes me valid for remaing at the hopital. Not that it helps my cause, any ways. I will keep a tight grip. I would rather die of sleep deprivation than do either of her options. Honestly, I'd rather... no. I don't. I will endure the rest of my life here, sleep deprived, if it comes to that if I can't escape to Dimmerland again. Not sure how I'll be able to do that. But I will. I must. I lean up against a corner of the room. As far away as I possibly can be from Dr. Andrea. Which is not far. I grip my hat tightly in my hand, arm behind me. That way it will be next to impossible to take it from me while I sleep.